Ernie, The Mouse

Warning: This is not a dramatization! All events reported were real events that could happen to you!! This is not a story for the faint of heart!

Disclaimer: the views and opinions voiced in this editorial do not necessarily reflect the views of the author concerning all matters of the same nature, nor do they necessarily reflect the views of anyone or anything affiliated with the author, execpting her roommate Jessica whom Laura knows shares the same views and opinions.


Chapter 1: The Thief

"Hm" Thought Laura one night after work. "I'm hungry, but I don't feel like macaroni and cheese, what should I eat?" Laura had a sudden bout of inspiration, it had been almost a week since she had made pumpkin bread, her favorite baked good, it was unarguably time for the next installment. She cheerfully pulled out her Hess Family cook book and started to search for the recipe, which was usually easy to spot due to its frequent use. "I don't know why I bother" she thought "I know it by heart". But nonetheless, Laura quickly found the page and started pulling out her ingredients. It first called for a cup and a half of sugar. Laura pulled out her colorful measuring cups and opened her sugar to begin the masterpiece, but something made her stop. There were little black things in her sugar! "Oh man, I've got bugs, that stinks" Upon further inspection, Laura began to doubt her first assessment. "Wait just a minute, that's a hair and..." the hair on Laura's neck stood on end as she gasped "oh my heckity schmeck, that is a hole nibbled into my sugar!!!!" Laura cringed and did not want to think about what critter would have the nerve to eat her sugar, but knew in her heart of hearts the only reasonable solution. Still she denied, "I must have bought it from the store that way" next thought "Mutant bugs must have done this" last thought "what about the rest of my food!!" Laura slowly and carefully opened the cupboard to inspect the integrity of her flour. To her horror and disgust and absolute one-hundred percent vomit-inducing revulsion she discovered that the culprit was still in the cupboard, and watched in dismay as it scurried into a hole in the wall. Laura did the only thing that any decent woman would have done, she screamed, grabbed her keys and ran out of the house vowing that there would be blood that night!!

Chapter 2: The Trap

Laura drove as fast as she could to Walmart. She did not normally enjoy shopping at Walmart, too crowded for her taste, she much preferred quaint little Shopko, but alas Walmart was a three minute drive down the road and in a situation like this every minute counts. That nasty critter could be breeding at this moment (don't think too hard about that one). She raced down the isles while calling her mother to find out what nasty little creatures ate. She couldn't bear to think what her roommate Jessica would say when she learned of the infestation. Laura perused the selections, trying to choose from the wide selection of weapons. Should she go Saddam Hussein style and find a trap which would ensnare her enemy without her ever having to look at it? Should she follow Osama Bin Laden's example and use the mouse as a dramatic example of the beheadings that will occur to anyone who dares to eat Laura's sugar? Or should she make OJ Simpson proud by poisoning him, letting him crawl somewhere and die, and therefore deny that she did any harm? Laura decided to go Osama Bin Laden style, mostly because it was cheapest. She went home, put her untampered food in a safe place, and set her traps. Her roommate Jessica took it better than expected, she even insisted on naming the furry little thing Ernie.

Chapter 3: The Tease

While Laura was at Walmart, she figured she might as well replace her sugar so that she could at least make pumpkin bread. As she made her bread, she listened jumpily for a crack, a squeak, a moan, a cry of anguish, anything to indicate that her trap was serving it's purpose. Nothing happened. Laura had her first sleepless night feeling psychomotor tingles where she could imagine the mouse crawling all over her. Every morning she awoke exhausted, to check her traps. 3 Days passed with no sitings. Laura started to rest easier thinking, maybe since Ernie's food is gone he has moved on! Or, maybe he died on his own! Or, maybe Heavenly Father answered my prayers and cast the devil out of my house! Just as Laura began to be convinced that he had to have gone, disaster struck. She arrived home from work and performed her ritual of checking her traps. To her once again horror and disgust and absolute one-hundred percent vomit-inducing revulsion, the enemy was once again caught scuffling off to his hole in the wall. Laura's fear mounted as she realized that the food around the trigger was eaten!!! "Not only is this a mouse, this is a mutant mouse" She realized with horror. "Alright, this calls for evasive maneuvers" She called the managers at once, insisted they join the battle, and began to get creative. Laura started trying to out think the little x-mouse. She precariously filled one end of a toilet paper tube with flour and set it ever so carefully on the edge of the dryer. Underneath, Laura filled a trash can with some water for the mouse to fall into. Laura didn't know if mice could swim, so she added some hydrogen peroxide to the water just in case it could. At her genius roommates suggestion, she stuffed towels under her bedroom door so that she could finally get some sleep knowing that the mouse could not get in. The managers came and set their traps as well, and Laura prayed.

Chapter 4: The Triumph

The day the managers set their traps, Laura came home from work, and performed her ritual of checking the traps. To her intense relief, the manager's Osama Bin Laden style trap had worked, there was a mouse with a clearly broken neck lying next to the bait. Laura was a little disappointed that her Hitler style trap hadn't worked (lure them into a false sense of security and then slaughter) because she thought it was clever, but fortunately, dead is dead. Laura was so happy, she decided to make more pumpkin bread.

Postlude

Ernie turned out to have a little family of four!